It’s highly recommended that you wait to date for the first year or more of recovery. It’s important to take time for yourself, to establish strong foundations of self-reliance, and to ensure you stay on track. Building yourself up, building good habits, and building your own self-esteem are important elements of recovery. A relationship can get in the way of that by producing many of the same chemicals (serotonin, dopamine) as drug and alcohol use. New relationships make us happy, make us feel good, and give us feelings of comfort. In early recovery, that can result in reliance, reduced learning good habits, and poor coping mechanisms on your own.
If you’re past that crucial stage of early recovery, dating again can be wonderful. At the same time, it’s more complex because of the metaphorical skeleton of addiction in your closet. Telling someone about your past of addiction on a first date might feel like it will scare prospective partners away, waiting too long can feel like lying, especially if recovery is still a big part of your life, which it is. Communicating about recovery early and well ensures that your partner understands that recovery must remain the number one priority in your life. How and when you tell them you’re in recovery is more complicated because it depends on your relationship and theirs.
The Sooner, the Better
You might not want to tell someone that you’re a recovering addict on the first date, but by the time you get to a second or third, it’s likely a good idea. This is especially true if that involves a considerable amount of online talk. The longer you wait to tell them, the more it will seem like lying when you do.
However, you can soften the message in the first few times you talk about it. “I used to have a problem with X” is easier understood than, “I’m recovering from X” by the general population. While you know that addiction is an ongoing battle and you have to constantly work on it, it’s okay to give your partner a picture of what life is now. When your relationship develops further, it’s important to be open, honest, and direct about what that entails for you.
Be Clear, Direct, and Upfront
If you’re serious about the person you’re dating, you want them to understand who and what you are, what the priorities in your life are, and why. You can’t do that without being honest about your substance use disorder.
Ask to Talk About It – Highlight that you’d like to have a private conversation. Make sure it’s private, not in a restaurant or another public place. Somewhere safe, easily accessible, and easy for them to go home is a good idea. Why? There’s a lot of stigma surrounding drug and alcohol use disorders, you know that. Your date might have trouble coping, might need time to think about the extra trouble or complexity of dating you, and might need space. Understanding that is important.
Be Direct – Communicate, in clear terms, what your addiction meant for you, how it affected you, and how it still affects you. While you don’t have to tell your full life story to someone you’re casually dating, and you can always offer some information now and fill in the blanks as your relationship develops, it’s always a good idea to be honest. You can’t unsay something if you decide you want to tell them the whole truth later.
- How long were you addicted?
- How does it affect your life now?
- Do you still go to therapy?
- Do you attend AA or another self-help group?
- What steps do you take as part of your daily life to avoid relapse?
- Do you avoid drugs and alcohol? What steps do you take to do so?
Giving your partner a clear picture of your life now, how recovery takes a part in that life, and what it means for you sets their expectations. It tells them how you are coping, how you are directing your life, and how much you are in control of your addiction. Eventually, that honesty can also help to form the foundations of a relationship built on trust.
Setting Boundaries
The fact that you are in recovery means you have special needs. Dating you is more complex than dating someone without a history of substance abuse. Setting boundaries is important for your mutual health, the health of your relationship, and moving forward. That can mean different things depending on your relationship. For example, it might mean:
- You get planned days apart so, for example, they can drink with friends without causing discomfort or you can take time for yourself
- You set boundaries around substance use around you, without infringing on their right to use substances
- You set guidelines around your routines and habits. It’s important that you work out, that you get social contact, that you go to self-help meetings, and that you actively engage in your recovery. Your relationship cannot interrupt that, or the relationship becomes toxic for you. Communicating how much space you need for those obligations (and they are obligations to yourself and to your family) is important.
- They set guidelines around whether they’re willing to go to meetings with you, whether they’re willing to be in therapy with you, etc.
It’s also important to note that if you’re dating someone with their own history of recovery, it’s important not to let their recovery track influence yours. You are on your own journey and someone other than your therapist and clinicians attempting to tell you what is best is always bad. Set boundaries around them steering your journey if it becomes an issue.
While it’s important not to start a relationship too early out of recovery, there will always come a day when you are ready. When that happens, it’s important to communicate your history, your medical problems (addiction), and your journey forward in as clear, a direct, and as respectful a fashion as possible. When you do, their reaction is out of your hands. Try to be respectful, graceful, and accommodating no matter what the reaction.
Good luck with dating, and your recovery.